I need to get this
off my chest. It's shameful, embarrassing and yet I feel the need to
share it with someone. Perhaps I need some sort of validation that I'm not crazy
or alone. Ok, here it goes. Sometimes I
wear bathing suit bottoms as underwear because I don't have any clean laundry. Sadly I am a 31 year old, mother of two,
working at an Ivy League institution and at times I wear bikini bottoms under
my clothing. What is wrong with me?!
As I'm confessing
this, I wonder at what point in my life, if at any, will I reach a point where I
don't do things like this. I would have thought that I’d have outgrown this
type of behavior by now. But, desperation sets in and it seems better
than going commando.
It's a miracle I even
have bikini bottoms because there is no way in hell I would be caught dead in a
two- piece bathing suit (thank you very much stretch marks that could be mistook
for 3rd degree burns). But I
digress...
I guess the real
reason I bring this up is because lately I’ve been contemplating the true
measure of an adult. When do you leave behind certain adolescent/juvenile
behaviors and become a real grown up?
Growing up I had
notions of what being an adult and parent actually meant. Adults/parents are responsible, boring, even
tempered, clever, etc. They never swear, don't do drugs and seem to have
the answers to all of the world’s problems. At least that’s what I
thought. So it follows that I assumed that once I made that passage from childhood
to adulthood (for me I assumed it was when I became a parent), than I too would
miraculously become a stand up citizen who confidently charges through the
world balancing family life with career and enjoying an enriching and
RESPONSIBLE existence. Unfortunately, this didn't quite work out the way
I thought it was going to. Below
are five things that I thought would change once I became a adult and mother.
1. I would stop swearing. For years I’ve had what some may describe
as a "potty mouth". I've been using colorful language from the ripe old age of 12 and once I started, I never looked
back. I'm a passionate person and it seems that some of the best ways to
express myself is through the use of obscenities. Fck, sh*t, douchebag,
and several other salty words fly out of my mouth at any given moment. Sometimes swearing is the only way to accurately express how I feel at a
given moment. If someone cuts me off on the road, a simple "F U"
seems to acutely express my sentiments toward the driver. Far more than
"you shabby apple" or “what a jerk”!
When my husband acts
like a douche bag, I can't seem to come up with another moniker that more
accurately describes him. LOVE YOU, HONEY!
However, once I
became a mother, I thought I would be capable of suppressing this filthy and un ladylike
habit or else I would simply not want
to swear. Manicured, well rounded, intelligent, "wonder moms” don't utter
words like f*ck. They don't curse, period.
Sadly though, I
realized that years of using bad language couldn’t be reversed over night.
I desperately want to banish these words from my vocabulary, yet they
are so deeply ingrained that it seems DAMN near impossible to eliminate them.
So, I will try my best to use these words while the little ones are out
of earshot, but for now, all I can say is f*ck it.
2. I would become a domestic
goddess. It's
no secret amongst my family and friends that I've always dreamed of being a
stay at home mom. I had glorious visions of staying home and taking care
of my brood all while leading a fulfilling life as a part time writer and
entrepreneur. I pictured myself a modern day June Clever with a dash of
Martha Stewart. I would spend my days caring for the children, making
house and home and enjoying the finer things in life. I envisioned making
homemade, organic baby food and delicious gourmet meals for my husband and me.
I would learn to sew and make cute clothing and fantabulous crafts.
I would do all this while chronicling my domestic adventures with
photojournalistic images taken with Instagram. Oh and in my down time I would
also come up with an enormously successful and creative home business or
company that I would tout on Etsy. This would take place while I
concurrently did the laundry, cleaned the house and planted flowers.
NEWS FLASH: None of this ever happened. What did happen was
that I almost suffered a psychotic break during the first few weeks of
motherhood because I was so exhausted and I felt like the living dead (this
happened after the birth of both my children). I had absolutely no energy
and just getting the boys and me out of bed was a chore.
I slowly ascended
from my funk and still I had no time for gourmet meals or novel writing.
Getting the boys and I dressed and throwing in a load of laundry was the
mark of a good day. It was an extra good day if I brushed my hair.
When I did have some down time from feedings, changing diapers and
playing with them (which I DO adore), I found that I really wanted to catch up
on my shows in the DVR. I did not want puree organic carrots or work on
craft projects. This change in heart and philosophy was only exacerbated
by the reality that I had to return to work. Mamas gotta bring home the health
insurance! Now when I get home from my 9-5 job I want to spend time with
the boys and my husband and catch up on the Real Housewives of Wherever.
Perhaps I'm shallow, perhaps I'm lazy, but I imagine that sometimes June
Clever just wanted to lay back on the couch, throw her feet up and order some
take out....
3. I would no longer fall victim
to the reality television spell. Reality television is baseless, degrading, lowbrow,
ridiculous and a testament to all that is wrong with society. I agree with this
fully and yet I love it. I know that respectable mothers don't indulge in such an
abhorrent past time. They aren’t intrigued by Lisa Vanderplump and do not
care whether Lamar and Khloe will stay together. They aren’t waiting with
bated breath to find out if Giuliani and Bill are going to have another baby.
Moms don't watch smut programming. They listen to NPR and
read and if they do watch TV at all, they tune in to things like Downton Abbey,
NatGeo documentaries and the Foodnetwork....
I know I shouldn't
watch it, but I can't help falling victim to the intrigue. Why is that
woman on Dance Moms so crazy and how can she possibly be an authority on dance
when she appears to be at least 200 lbs. overweight? Why do the
Kardashians open so many Dash boutiques when they seem to have minimal inventory
on the floor and no one ever seems to be shopping in their stores. Is
this a good business model? Why is it that 90% of the Real Housewives cast
members spend money like they have the wealth of Bill Gates and Warren Buffet
combined yet they end up filing for bankruptcy? I find it all so
fascinating and quite frankly a break from the turmoil and crap that is
sometimes our reality. Yes I realize that my brain cells are dying a slow
death every time I tune into Bravo or TLC. Bottom line is that I can't help but
enjoy a few hours of crap a week.
4. I would have life
"figured out". I’m still working on it. I think this blog is a step in the right direction.
I realize now that I will never have it totally figured out and that’s
ok. As long as I am constantly learning
and challenging myself, than I would say that I’m on the right path.
5. I wouldn't wear bathing suit
bottoms as underwear. This is still a work in progress….
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